Music

This was not the next post I had planned, I currently have 2 half finished posts that I have been struggling to complete this last week to no avail. My concentration levels are pretty bad at the moment this post has ended up taking me 2 days and half a dozen rewrites because my sentences were disjointed and made little sense though I do have to admit my perfectionist streak played a part in all this. I have no way of knowing when I will manage to complete the other posts as one thing I am determined not to do anymore is put undue pressure on myself, which I made the mistake in doing before and was a part of the reason for my relapse of symptoms.

Also at the end of this week, Friday to be precise I have a family party to attend which is extremely major for me for many reasons and will take a lot of my energy. So I am going to need to conserve as much as I can this week which means taking everything as easy as possible therefore posts may have to go on a back burner, it just depends on how things go. Even with me trying to rest up beforehand I may not be able to prevent an onset of symptoms after the party which may well mean I am unable to get online for a while, fingers crossed this will not be the case.

I have said as little about my life with CFS as I could up till recently so you may not understand why this seems such a huge thing for me. For a start I do not travel well and I do not mean that I get travel sickness, traveling in any vehicle nearly always brings on a sudden onset of symptoms namely lethargy. Basically when I get to the end of my trip I feel like someone who has been slipped a sleeping pill and my brain feels all sluggish and slow like wading through cotton wool (brain fog). The other problem I have is that I frequently experience anxiety in social situations partly this is the illness but it stems from my own social difficulties I have never been comfortable around people especially crowds, I’m working on this slowly . Here is where it gets a little complicated though because I know from much experience that if I’m feeling worse because of C.F.S symptoms (nearly inevitable if traveling) that the anxiety becomes heightened and can become harder to control and keep myself calm and this then makes my C.F.S symptoms worse, I have experienced dizziness, lack of concentration, brain fog, face pallor (not a good look) and even pain which obviously does not help the anxiety. A vicious cycle, one I try my best not to get into by making sure I am as symptom free as possible before any outing and then keeping as calm as I can during. Unfortunately nothing can be completely planned. Add to this that noise and bright lights can bring on the same symptoms the whole party kind of becomes a nightmare. Despite this I am looking forward to it which may seem a little odd but I am only human just because I may become ill (and there is no guarantee that will happen or if it will happen whilst I’m there sometimes the symptoms manifest hours or days later) I still enjoy going out and I am looking forward to having some fun and socialising something I very rarely get the chance to do (that is the socialising part not the fun )

So far this week not only has my concentration been terrible I have also been quite up and down in my mood the slightest thing seemed to stress me out and get me angry or upset. I also stupidly agreed to take on the responsibility to find my nephew a fancy dress costume and be around when it was delivered which put pressure on me I didn’t need at the moment. I am going to take a lesson from this and that’s that sometimes you have to put yourself first. I often offer up my help without thinking I have to learn not to do so.

This week something that has really helped keep my mood from being too volatile is listening to music, sometimes this helps other times not but at the moment its working, and I have been listening non stop (or at least as non-stop as is possible for me) to Matchbox Twenty songs, possibly because they have somber lyrics but uplifting melodies which fits my current yo-yoing emotions and somehow they have managed to stop me from wallowing.

Matchbox Twenty – How Far We’ve Come
Uploaded by AtlanticRecords. – Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

Apologies for the length of this post, the choppiness and the less than happy vibe I assure you that I am not actually sad at the moment and I believe the mood swings have calmed down.

Please share songs that you often play to cheer yourself up or that you particularly like at the moment by leaving a comment